A Short Play: George Spills the Milk

A short play: George Spills the Milk.

George, age 6, and John, age 12, are in the kitchen. Colin, age 8, is there too, and Hillary, age 10, is in the living room. Mom is outside gardening.

George: I want some milk. Let me into the fridge.

John: OK, I mean, if you really need it, go ahead. Wait, [calls out] Hillary, what do you think?

Hillary [from the other room]: 'S fine...

George opens the fridge and lifts the glass bottle of milk, which starts to teeter in his hands.

John: George, don't spill it! I don't think this is a good idea anymore. Put it back.

Colin: If you spill it, you're going to have to clean it up.

George: I'm not going to spill it!

He manages to wrestle it out of the door shelf.

George: Mission Accomplished!

John: Watch it!

And George drops the milk. The glass shatters and the milk goes everywhere.

John: I knew it! You made a huge mess!

George: You told me I could get the milk. [as Colin opens his mouth] Shut up, Colin.

Colin: I'm not saying we're not friends anymore, but I'm going home.

Colin leaves.

John: I can't believe this mess!

George: I'm cleaning it, hold on.

He gets just one paper towel and starts to dab at the floor.

John: You're going to need more paper towels than that.

George: This one is just fine.

John: It's falling apart! It's not strong enough and rubbing it on the floor is tearing it up.

George: It will be fine...

He half-heartedly dabs at the floor, not really cleaning anything.

John: You needed more paper towels.

George: I know! I know! Ok, fine...

George gets more towels and continues mopping up the floor, not really getting anything clean. Hillary enters.

Hillary: What a mess!

George: I know, I know!

John: He needed more paper towels.

Hillary: Obviously. And steadier hands.

George: You said I could get the milk! You said!

Hillary: I didn't know you were going to make a huge mess, I thought you could handle it.

John: I didn't know you would spill it either. Besides, I told you you could before I told you not to. So just remember I said not to when you talk to Mom.

Mom enters.

Mom: Talk to Mom about what? Oh, my goodness! What a mess! Who is responsible for this?

George, Hillary, and John are all talking over each other.

George: You know how you said milk was important--

John: I told him not to--

Hillary: I was in the other room--

George: --they said I could!

John: I did not!

George: Did too! You said I could!

John: I said you could before I said you couldn't!!!

Mom: Enough! I need to go back out to the garden. The question is, who is going to be in charge now? It clearly shouldn't be George.

John: Me! I told him not to get out the milk AND I told him he needed more paper towels.

Hillary: Me! I mean, it's not really anyone's fault that the milk spilled, and I don't know exactly what to do about it, but George is a pooty-head.

John: Well, duh. We all know he's a pooty-head. The important thing is that I told him not to do it and I told him he needed more paper towels.

Mom: Yes, but what about the mess?

George: I cleaned it long enough. Now it's up to the next guy.

John: Well, it's a pretty big mess. I think paper towels are needed, more than George was ever going to use...

Hillary: Well, it is a big mess, and I mean, you never can tell where the milk is going to get to. I can't exactly say what I would do, I just know it needs to get cleaned up.

John: Obviously.

And here I bring down the curtain on my little play.

The point is, I'm getting really tired of this discussion. Yes, George is a pooty-head who spilled milk everywhere. Yes, it's going to be a mess cleaning it up, and no matter how much you are in opposition to him and his mess-making, whoever gets in there next is going to have to clean it up. And they will probably clean it up in basically the same way that George would, because there's not that many ways to do it.

So just because you are in opposition to George doesn't mean that "what you're going to do in Iraq" is going to be that much different than George would do if he stayed, or what any of your opponents would do: deal with the facts on the ground and try to get us out of there in one piece without leaving behind a hotbed of terrorism (the kind we left in Afghanistan after the Soviets pulled out).

The salient point to sway me then, to choose the next POTUS, is that from now on you are going to be careful. That you won't get us recklessly into another war. That you will be honest with us. That you will start to deal with international terror cells in a law-enforcement paradigm and stop bashing around the world with your bombs. That you will start treating them like the cockroachy criminals that they are and stop elevating their status to warriors that we have to send our warriors to fight in a big-scale war. That the next time a POTUS tells me that we have to go to war to defend ourselves, we actually do. That we will go back to the Powell Doctrine. That we won't have this big mess again.

As for the cleaning up, well, it's going to be messy and no one is really going to have a good answer as to how to magically make the mess go away. I think we should stop expecting that they will, and focus on whether they have the quality to keep us from future messes.


[Published by me as a letter to the War Room on Salon.com. Editor's Choice!]